Everyone knows what physical abuse is, and it is clearly not acceptable in modern relationships. What makes emotional abuse so sinister is that it is often justified by perpetrators in disbelief and hard to identify by conditioned victims. On this episode, Sheri and Matt welcome Paul Colaianni – behavior and relationship coach, and host of The Love and Abuse Podcast. Paul shares the issues that often lead to emotional abuse, ways to understand if you are a victim or abuser, and actions you can take to change patterns and behaviors. Plus, Paul has a really cool radio voice that makes his message soothing to the ears.
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My experience with those people who display the following actions and responses to you demonstrate toxic behavior and emotional abuse.
1. They try to control your actions, who you are with; time away from them. “ Where are you?” is a constant refrain. “What are you doing?” “ Why are you so self centered?”
2. They almost never support your dreams and goals, thinking how it takes time away from them. They will never be your ‘cheer leader’ even though you are always theirs.
3. You can never please them no matter how hard you try. Even if you plan every aspect of a situation like a birthday celebration. You ‘might’ get it right once.
4. They are critical about much of what you do. You could win an academy award and they’d say something like: “ that’s nice.” Why not two awards?”
5. There is no emotional intimacy and empathy. They rarely initiate physical intimacy. No connection.
6. You walk on eggshells around them, monitoring your conversational subjects and responses.
7. In the rare times when you are away from them you feel giddy in your new found freedom.
8. If God removed them from your life suddenly, how would you feel? If it’s utter relief and freedom, then you are in a toxic relationship.
9. They are usually in progressively codependent relationships meaning YOU may be colluding to keep yourself ‘stuck’ with a toxic person. This is critical. You are half of the problem in this case. Don’t blame yourself. These people are hard to break away from.
10. Sometimes toxic people have ‘leaky’ boundaries. Beware in the initial stages of a relationship ‘love bombing’ hoping in the sack too early, or wanting to be with you all the time.
11. Even if you push back hard on them for their abusive behavior, making sure they understand that ‘YOU’ understand what they’re doing, it won’t work because they have such rare self awareness. They see their behavior as normal. In other words they’re not going to ‘get it’ whether you do or not.
Paul calls this: “inappropriate coping skills.”
12. They are rarely self aware and see no reason to change. They sometimes say things like: “ That’s just the way I am.” If you think that someday they will change, you will wait until one of you die.
13. They can be progressively emotionally abusive, in extreme cases causing PTSD.
14. Even if you point out their toxic actions, and how they hurt you, they will blame you for their abusive actions.
15. Even if they ever figure out how toxic they are, they rarely ‘recover’ without individual, frequent therapy.
16. Here is a guaranteed test to see if you are in a toxic relationship. Act like you are a third party observer of your relationship. Ask yourself three questions: 1.) Is this person’s behavior kind? 2. ) Would I behave this way? 3.) If I had an adult child come to me and describe that he/she were experiencing this behavior from someone close in their lives, and ask for my advice, what advice would I give them?
17. If you determine you are around these kinds of people, or are in a relationship, even marriage..don’t just walk, RUN from these people and NEVER look back. You’ll never regret it.
Thank you for listening, and for sharing such a thorough and passionate comment, Ben.